Daddy needs some new shoes

I went to the lovely Taj Mahal this weekend to meet up with some friends for lunch. While I don’t really like to gamble, I will usually spend a few bucks and give my luck a whirl. Stupidly, (and I always fall for them) I dropped 30 bucks on the slot machines. Mostly because I figure my mom’s luck on the slots would rub off on me one of these days.

Unfortunately it didn’t work.

Normally, I’m a blackjack type. However, I refuse to play by the rules and generally bet based on instinct rather than the unwritten rules (split this, double down on that, pass on this always hit on that). Thus, I piss off every single hard core blackjack played on the table. Especially those little old ladies who have no problem yelling at you about how you’re messing up their game. You know what though, I rarely leave a blackjack table with nothing less than double what I started with. I’m the one looking to make some cash, screw your silly rules.

Since there was nothing but seniors on the blackjack tables, I decided against playing blackjack. We walked around looking for a cheap five dollar roulette table where I could watch and learn how to play. It didn’t seem to hard and it was interesting watching the different types of people there. There was this one dumbass who came in with two hundred bucks, got himself up to five hundred and in a fit of utter greediness, lost it all on the next turn. I lost my first twenty by just placing my four chips on actual numbers rather than the outside areas.

The next twenty I played a little more wisely. I played only whether it would land on black or red, odd or even, within a certain range or not. Little by little the chip stack grew until I reached a hundred bucks. I put seventy bucks worth of chips in my pocket so that if anything, I broke even for the day and played with the rest. I’m glad I did because I lost those six chips quite quickly… I stopped playing and watched my friend Shelly play until she got all of the money she lost back and a bit more. We went to cash our chips and I left to head back home.

While we were looking for a cheap roulette table, I checked out the craps table and I’m sorry, but that game is so damned confusing. Can someone please explain to me how that game works like you would describe it to a child? I can not for the life of me understand it and I know you have the best odds of winning at that game.

Everyone I ask just says, “It’s complicated.”


Where’s the beef?

Since our plans to venture into Philly were put on the back burner, we decided to go this past weekend.

Our first stop was Geno’s to partake in one of Philly’s more famous eating institutions. The first thing you notice is the immense crowd of people waiting on line for this place and also Pat’s across the street.

As we waited on line for our meaty treats, we looked at a whole bunch of photos of celebrities that have eaten there. Unfortunately, I forgot to bring some Lactaid with me which pretty much sucked big moose balls. I was debating on whether or not to have one with Cheez Whiz, but I wasn’t too sure about the milk content on it. Plus that stuff is quite vile and I have always hated the taste and texture of it. We asked a nice couple behind us if they knew whether or not Cheez Whiz had any milk in it and they weren’t sure either. Rather than risk spending some quality time on the porcelain throne, I opted for a plain steak and onions. My better half opted for one with onions and Provolone which IMHO is the only way to enjoy a cheese steak.

We were lucky enough to grab a seat and opened up our rolled up sandwiches (I got up to put ketchup on it though) and were at first disappointed with what we saw. There’s very little meat on these things and just a sliver of cheese on Devina’s. Ok, so we figured they’re stingy with the meat in this restaurant but perhaps the flavor might save the day.

Sad to say, we both thought our cheese steaks were just blah. They were OK, but we’ve had much much better cheese steaks here in Jersey. Actually, the Rutgers grease trucks would definitely outdo these guys and that’s not saying much. For one the meat was unseasoned and very dry, the onions were too mushy and watery and the bread almost tasted stale to me like the day old bread you get for half price at the end of the day in a bakery. Plus for the size of the sandwich itself, there was very little meat in there. There’s nothing worse than eating a dry sandwich with not enough meaty goodness in it and there’s no way any amount of ketchup would save it. Devina only ate half of it and saved the rest for me to have at home when I got my hands on some Lactaid. Yet another disappointment.

Unfortunately, Geno’s was in no way the best cheese steak we have ever had. Hopefully Pat’s will be able to save our lost faith in Philly’s ability to create a good cheese steak.

After that, we ventured to our favorite spot in Philly, Dave & Busters for some pool and some better food.

Ms. Pepe LePew

This message is to that pink haired Latina blasting the salsa music in the blue Camry on my way up to work this morning.

Look, I’m not sure if your friends have confronted you on this, but in the name of all that is holy, PLEASE calm down a bit on the cheap perfume. I swear, when you blew past me on the right hand side and got in front of me, I could smell you as if you were standing right in front of me and my damn windows were closed! I can’t even imagine what that asphyxiating odor emanating from your body is doing to the interior of you car! For 3 minutes my poor nose had to endure one of the most brutal onslaughts it has ever faced in it’s entire life and this coming from a guy that once passed out for four hours from smelling a chemical for 5 seconds in a research lab!

I’m sorry I had to be a dick by speeding up past you and cutting you off like that, but I’d rather stick my head in my cat’s litter box after he dropped a deuce and inhale deeply.

Let me tell ya, that’s not an easy feat! Tony’s old and he can put most slobbingly humans to shame in the poop smell department.

Yes, I didn’t let you go past me no matter how many times you high beamed me, tried to kiss my bumper or flipped me the bird. I swear by Einstein’s ghost there was no way in hell I’d let you get in front of me again. I’d sooner get behind a little old blind lady with a spastic colon on a one lane highway doing 25 in a 55 zone.

You have no idea how happy I was when you got off the highway and headed for that mall. I just feel sorry for the people within a 100 yard radius of you…


The view from above

It’s been roughly a few years since I drove a large car. Now, by large, I mean like an oversized van.

I finally managed to hunt down a big truck today for our move tomorrow down south. It seems some fireworks company managed to just up and take 3 U-HAUL’s and 4 Ryder’s worth of trucks, leaving lots of people with last minute reservations in deep doggy doo doo. Luckily, I managed to call a Penske rental place over in Edison which is roughly 15-20 minutes away depending on how bad Route 1 is.

All they had was a monstrous 15′ city truck available to rent and I snagged that big bitch up like it was the last wedding dress in a bridal shop during a 50% off sale. Granted, I have never been to a sale such as that, I hear it’s nothing short of utter chaos and anarchy.

Anyway, I now have a new found respect for any truck drivers out there and I was driving a relatively smaller truck. There’s so much you have to take into consideration when you’re in a large set of wheels. The height of the truck, the fact that you have to stop longer than normal (takes a lot of brake power to slow down them bad boys), much wider turning radii (or is it radiuses) and of course the typical asshole Jersey driver. 😀 Man, are those things tough to get used to!

There are however, some interesting things that I heard about driving trucks as rumor, but now know as truth… For instance, what some people do inside their own cars that you can see from a high and lofty position is pretty amazing. No shitting, I saw:

5 different women fully unclothed from the waist down driving
3 different guys getting oral treats from their passengers
2 different women playing with themselves
1 guy getting a handy from a woman
1 really hairy guy playing with himself (ewwwww)

They were all driving some form of SUV so they just assumed that no one would see them doing these things. However, from my lofty spot, it was as clear as night what was going on in their autos even though all of their windows were tinted. If any of you think simply tinting your windows will allow you privacy to do certain things in your car, you better not hope the person looking in does not have polarized sunglasses. We can really see every single thing inside your car… That is if you don’t have a polarized coating on your tints, which kinda wreaks havoc on us polarized sunglass wearers. I wonder what I’ll be spotting once I drive down to our new place tomorrow. Heh heh heh…

Back to packing…