Bunghole stretcher?

Devina just e-mailed me this and after yesterday’s court antics I couldn’t help but laugh:

While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over) I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, “What’s the hurry?” I replied, “I’m late for work.”

“Oh yeah,” said the cop, “what do you do?” I responded, “I’m a rectum stretcher.” The cop said “What…..a rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?” I said, “Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it’s about 6 foot wide.”

The cop asked me, “What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?” I simply replied, “You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge…”

The ticket – – $ 95.00
The look on his face – – PRICELESS

The great pumpkin had too much wine…

Cute eh?? Thanks for the pic Lindsey…

Dressing room hijinks

Friday Five baby!

What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for someone else?
Hmmmm, you know I have seem to forgotten this… A few years back I made my ex Steph a nice Valentine’s candle-lit dinner and if I remember correctly I think we were broken up at the time (she’ll fill in the details regarding that). If I remember correctly I made her some type of mushroom appetizer and a seared sashimi yellow-fin tuna with some type of rice, baby greens (entree) and some creme brulee (dessert).

What are your erogenous zones?
The neck

how old were you the first time you had sex?
Ummm, funny story about that one actually… My first was actually a gift from my best friend at the time (don’t ask). It all happened a few days before my 17th birthday… Now that I look back on it I should have waited till I was with my first girlfriend… Eh well.

What’s the most unusual place you’ve ever had sex?
There’s a huge list. The craziest is probably the Victoria’s Secret dressing room in the Newport Centre mall in Jersey City… It should also be noted that the salesgirls were watching too… Ummm… Oh yeah, I’d stay away from The Gap dressing room there too (of course all this was when they allowed more than one person in a dressing room many many years ago).

Do you have plans for Valentine’s day or is it just another Thursday?
Not that I know of. My birthday is two days away (16th) so I am usually surprised with something. I think Devina’s taking me away somewhere but I have no clue…

Nothing terribly new to report here other than a few slight tweaks on the web page. I changed the ugly ass grey color on the side here and made it so that only the most current entry shows up. However, if you look on the right side, you’ll see the previous ten entries before this one… I forgot where I saw this but I thought it was a neat idear…

Got this from my friend Denise… Yeah… I say it just about says it all.. 😉

You’re from NY if…

  1. You say “The City” and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
  2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
  3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
  4. Hookers and the homeless are invisible to you.
  5. The subway map makes sense to you.
  6. You think the subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.
  7. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
  8. You’ve considered smacking someone just for saying “The Big Apple”.
  9. Your door has more than two locks.
  10. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
  11. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
  12. You call an 8′ x 10′ plot of patchy grass a yard.
  13. You consider Westchester “Upstate”.
  14. You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Judge Wapner.
  15. You walk faster than some people run.
  16. You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer’s speaking.
  17. You’re paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think it’s a “steal.”
  18. You’ve been to New Jersey twice and got lost both times.
  19. You pay more each month to insure your car than most people in the U.S. pay in rent.
  20. You haven’t seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.
  21. You go to dinner at 9pm and head out to the clubs when most Americans are heading to bed.
  22. Your closet is filled with black clothes.
  23. When foreigners ask directions, you are nice to them. When other New Yorkers ask directions, you ignore them.
  24. You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.
  25. You take fashion seriously.
  26. When you pass a celebrity on the street, you don’t go to pieces.
  27. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.
  28. Going to Brooklyn is considered a “road trip.”
  29. America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.
  30. You’ve stopped thinking about how many hands touched the subway pole.
  31. You’re suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
  32. You haven’t cooked a meal since helping mom last Thanksgiving.
  33. You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
  34. Your idea of “personal space” is no one actually breathing on you.
  35. $50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.
  36. You have a minimum of five “worst cab ride ever” stories.
  37. You don’t hear sirens anymore.
  38. You’ve mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city’s air quality and what it’s doing to your lungs.
  39. You live / work in a building with a larger population than some American towns

Gotta love them drugs… :)

Got this from a friend over e-mail, check it out and get some laughs…

26 signs that you’ve already grown up

  1. Your potted plants stay alive.
  2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
  3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
  4. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
  5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
  6. You carry an umbrella. you watch the weather channel.
  7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
  8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
  9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
  10. You’re the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.
  11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
  12. You don’t know what time taco bell closes anymore.
  13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
  14. You feed your dog science diet instead of mcdonald’s.
  15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
  16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
  17. Dinner and a movie – the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
  18. MTV news is no longer your primary source for information.
  19. You go to the drugstore for ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
  20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff”.
  21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
  22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet pepsi & ding dongs.
  23. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
  24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
  25. You don’t drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
  26. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn’t apply to you

Ahhhh, boy do I feel old now…

Thanks to all of you lovely people who wished me well these past few days while I have been holed away in my place with strep throat. To be quite honest I really hate being home from work simply because there is absolutely nothing to do here while I am shivering from the fevers… I mean I have been going crazy watching my collection of tapes, but even that gets way boring. I just picked up Alice, so tomorrow while I am home yet again chowing down on my lovely meds, I will be trying out this game… It looked cool at the local Best Buy so I picked it up to play it.

Either way if ya see me on-line tomorrow, send me an instant message, I’m most likely bored out of my wits.