Today’s entry brought to you by the letter ‘F’

Just got this e-mail link forwarded to me by my bud Lindsey and I love what was done to it. It’s a fairly old (yet hilarious on it’s own) sound file that was brilliantly done up flash style.

Ummm, you may not want to play this too loudly at work or in front of the kiddies.

To the moon Alice!

The dachshund and the leopard

Just got this funny one from Jenna

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa.

He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, “OK, I’m In deep trouble now!”

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. “Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That dachshund nearly had me.”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.” Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet… and just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says, “Where’s that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.”

Sometimes if you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, then baffle them with bullshit!!

WalMart should stay away from wines

Just got this nice bogus e-mail that’s quite funny nonetheless. 🙂 Enjoy.

BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) – Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item – Wal-Mart’s own brand of wine.

The world’s largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price; in the $6-8 range. “While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine”, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. “There is wine in a box that people are willing to buy,” she said. “The right name is important.”

The top 15 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

Box O’ Grapes
Chateau Traileur Doublewide
White Trashfindel
Big Red Gulp
Grape Expectations
Domaine Wal-Mart “Merde du Pays”
NASCARbernet
Chef Boyardeaux
Peanut Noir
Blue Light Special Nun
Chateau Des Moines
Martha Stewart’s Sour Grapes
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar!
World Championship Wriesling
Nasti Spumante

Care for a shower?

Got this from my friend Adrian. Oh that fart thing… So true… 🙂

How to shower like a woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How to shower like a man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the ‘woo-woo’ sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face.
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the ‘woo-woo’ sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.