Catch!

Got this doozy from my friend Dann. Umm, I wouldn’t open it at work or in front of your kids…

You are at the wedding…

You’ve never looked better… Perfect dress, a perfect hairdo…

and you meet the perfect man…

On the dance floor, he’s by your side constantly, he dances like a God…

You are the couple of the evening…

The anticipated moment has arrived for all single women…

The bride is about to throw the bouquet…

You are first in line, in a strategic position…

Once there, you wait for the right moment…

You look at him sensually, and with your eyes you tell him…

If I catch the bouquet… I WILL MARRY YOU…

And then, the moment you’ve been waiting for….

The bride throws the bouquet…

He doesn’t stop looking at you….

You jump like never before to catch the bouquet…

Your arms stretched out…

Your hands open….

and suddenly…

Between a rock and a hard place

Another cute one from my buddy Lyns:

Mrs. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to collect her husband’s test results. The lab tech says to her, “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your husband to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband’s results. And frankly, it is either bad or terrible!”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, one Mr. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other for AIDS. We can’t tell which is your husband.”

“That’s terrible! Can we do the test over?”

“Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”

“The HMO recommends that you drop your husband off in the middle of town.

If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.”

They’re assh*les!

Got this funny e-mail from a friend. Enjoy!

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same kind of lifesaver, one flavor at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and taste.

The children began to say:

“Red = cherry”
“Yellow = lemon”
“Green = lime”
“Orange = orange”

Finally, the professor gave them all honey flavored Lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments, none of the children could identify the taste.

“Well,” he said, “I’ll give you a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.”

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, “Everybody, spit them out – they’re assholes!”

Too many burritos

Just got this from my friend Adrian. I damn near fell off my chair when I was watching it because it’s so damn funny.

Be forewarned, you may want to turn the volume low on this. Nothing sexual or no cursing is involved, but you will embarrass yourself if you turn it up at work. 😉

As always, kindly save to your drive first. 🙂