Settling…

I was having a rather interesting conversation the other day with a friend of mine and it’s taken me a couple of days to finally absorb everything that was talked about. I can not really get into very much detail, but I’d like to see what you would have to say about this situation my friends are in. In a way I feel pretty bad for the couple because they’re great people who I thought were truly meant for each other, yet because of a lack of communication which has slowly destoryed their relationship, it’s likely going to end soon.

See, she’s at an age where she is looking to move ahead with her life and get married and have kids and all of that lovely jazz. She’s a great person who’s smart, got a terrific personality and is quite attractive as well. She’s also got a boyfriend whom she has been waiting to propose for quite some time now. He’s a pretty decent guy as well who is madly in love with her and I believe is in the market to purchase a ring. On the outside they seemed to get along incredibly well, but little did I know what the relationship was really like. Now, they have had their ups and down in the relationship, but then again who hasn’t really? That’s what relationships are all about, you take the good with the bad and you work it out if there’s a mutual feeling of love between the individuals. In my opinion, part of the reason we have so many divorces is this false reality that all relationships must be perfect. It’s like most people are have been brainwashed to believe that if your relationship is not the quintessential Disney fairy tale love, then it’s not worth the effort. I bet you anything that Prince Charming and Cinderella had some pretty big fights in their union, probably because he left the toilet seat up again. 😉

Anyway, all of this time that has passed waiting for that elusive question has made this girl a little less than hopeful things will happen and as such she has found solace in other men in her life. Some from work, some from her past, some already in relationships and some she just happens to meet up with when out with friends. Now I’m not saying she is physically intimate with these gentlemen. It really was not my place to make such inquiries, but often those carnal indiscretions need not be made to completely destroy an existing relationship. There’s innocent flirting and then there’s that boundary you cross where it can lead into some very dangerous places. Personally, I believe she’s passed that point with a couple of those gents from the way her eyes gleamed when she talked about them. We all know that look, yeah “that” look. Now, I am not also going to get into the reason for these external “affairs” because it’s a completely private issue. Most people never really find out why their mate was unfaithful to them, perhaps it was loneliness, perhaps it was distrust, perhaps they just felt like it, who knows?

However, after a little more chatting it seems as if this girl is second guessing the relationship altogether. The intimacy (and the relationship) with her boyfriend has “gone downhill” and he has now started spending less time with her. She admits to thinking more and more about one of her other friends and noticing her boyfriend behaving in a more despondent mood as of late. Of course I told her his attitude and behavior is well within reason because he more than likely knows something is up and is either just gearing for the worst or is clinging on to some shred of hope that the relationship can be salvaged. I’ve been in that position more times than I would have liked to in my life and let me tell you, it’s one of the most horrible feelings in the world.

So, I asked her what immediately popped into my head with regards to our discussion and that was if she was settling for the boyfriend.

Settling…

What an awful awful word to bring up in a relationship.  To be honest, I believe more people would rather be cheated on than to know they have been “settled” for in a relationship. By the look on her face when I asked her that question, I already knew the answer and it made my heart sink deeper into sadness when thinking about what each of these people are going through. It seemed as if all of this time, whether it was because the relationship became a little stale or she just wanted to get the wedding “over with” or she succumbed to pressure from family and friends that she gave up her “hope” in finding an ideal man and just settled for this person much like one picks out a cereal at a supermarket.

It wasn’t until she thought about it more that she realized just exactly what she was doing to her boyfriend and more importantly to herself. The poor thing broke down and shortly thereafter in between light sobs, she was called away back to work. I gave her a long hug and she thanked me for the conversation. Believe me, I did not want to be in her position with what must be going on through her head, but at least now she’s got some serious thinking to do.

I hope she does the right thing. Yeah, this was a long one…

One reply on “Settling…”

  1. Well, of course I’m gonna have an opinion (cause I always do), but I’ll preface that with the fact that *I* am not in a relationship.

    Settling… I’m almost thinking that to get a true answer, this question would need to be asked closer to the beginning of the relationship… before all the problems and whatnot. From what you’ve said in this post, your friends’ relationship is already on the decline and the woman is possibly having affairs, or at least flirting with the idea of that. So here’s the deal… those guys she’s flirting with are giving her attention and making her feel good, right? Of course they are gonna appear to be a better selection right now. But like you said, ALL relationships have there ups and downs and people are not being realistic of they think it’s all a bed of roses. I’m not saying your friend didn’t “settle”… I just wonder if she feels that way now because “the honeymoon is over” so to speak. Either way, I hope she figures it all out before she decides to marry.

    So, that’s the two cents of someone who hasn’t been in a real relationship for a very, very long time. What do I know, right?

    By the way… it’s nice to see you back! 🙂

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