Turn your head and cough please

Roughly a week before I started my new job, I was required to take a physical and drug test. A few days later I headed out to the local hospital for my physical and drug test. Just for good measure, I drank two glasses of water to ensure the fact that I wouldn’t draw a blank for the drug test (ummm, the pee pee test in case you didn’t know). The last time I had to provide a liquid sample for an old job, I couldn’t do it so I figured I’d double up on the dosage and man did it work. 😉

Anyway, I got there and immediately did the drug test (“Whoa what a feeling”). Then they took my weight, blood pressure and performed a hearing, eye and TB test. Not exactly sure as to why I would need to take a TB test, but I went along with it anyway. I actually had to take the blood pressure test a few times because it was really cold in the examination room and they thought it was the cause of my low pressure reading. After the third time, they just took an average and left it at that. I was then left alone in that tiny room for a good 30 minutes. Luckily, they left a bunch of syringes and stuff out so I had a chance to play with items in there before the doc showed up. Oddly enough, if you fill up a syringe with hydrogen peroxide and depress the plunger as hard as you can, it won’t reach the ceiling.

Bummer…

So the doctor walked in and I was stunned, froze up and got nervous as hell. Normally I am fine and dandy and strike up long conversations with the doctors that give me my physicals. I was never one to have those silly fears of hospitals or doctors, however the only problem was that this was the very first time that I was ever greeted by a female doctor.

I was freaking..

I mean, she’s going to have to do the “cough” test for christ’s sake?!?

For those of you who do not know, males typically have to drop their trousers during physical exams. During this time, the doctor places his usually freaggin’ cold hands underneath the male’s berries and instructs them to cough. Now, if you’re a normal male, the boys retreat back in and drop back out while you are coughing. Supposedly it’s some form of reflex, kind of like hitting that spot on your knee that makes it kick up. If it doesn’t happen, it’s generally something pretty bad and you go to see a urologist to fix ya up. Now, this test usually lasts no more than 2.2 seconds because no body ever wants to grab a guy’s nuts for longer than that if they do not have to, even if it is for medical reasons.

Anyhoo, all of these pictures of her performing this procedure were flooding into my mind while she was reading over my vital stats. What if she’s doing it and by some weird unfortunate stroke of misfortune I start to get aroused?! Or worse yet, it was really damn cold in there, didja ever see that Seinfeld episode?? What if she snickered or something… I mean she could be married Sean Michaels or Lexington Steele for all I know and here she is scoping my privates and making that comparison. Then later that night laughing about it with Mr. Two and a half feet of dangling fury…

I was MOR-TI-FIED.

I think she could sense that she started joking around with me and lightening the mood a bit. Then she got into “professional” mode and asked me a billion questions about my health and explaining why all of those tests were necessary. Then she had me sit on the long chair/couch thingy with the paper and started to listen to my heart and lungs work. I really started to ease up and asked her a whole bunch of questions with regards to my body. Like the difference between pneumonia and bronchitis (which I am susceptible to in the winter) and why she kept on tapping my back and chest while listening through her stethoscope. Then I had to lie down as she started checking for weird lumps in my abdominal area. I asked her if it was possible to feel my liver and she showed me exactly where mine was and I felt it. It blew my mind! Then she took me on a map of my body and where organs were as if I was eating something and on it’s way to the porcelain heaven. I was totally digging this doctor’s visit. Never have I had a doctor be so thorough and explain every single thing they were doing like she did. She brought up really interesting facts about certain organs like my lungs and we must have talked about my health for a good hour or so.

Then, it was time for me to go and the “cough” test was never done. However, after spending that much time learning from that doctor, I very highly doubt that I will ever be bothered again if she needed to check me there in the future. I have never met a more professional and down to earth doctor before and I made sure that when I selected my doctor for my new health plan (unfortunately, it’s an HMO grrrrr) that it was her.

As a matter of fact, if all female doctors are like this, I may just never go back to a male doctor again. Well, maybe a male urologist though… Just hope I don’t have to see one of them for a long time to come.

One reply on “Turn your head and cough please”

  1. the reason why you got a TB test is because TB is actually on the rise in the US. and they still do TB tests in schools too. my gyno is one of those really nice and down to earth type of doctors. shes the best 🙂 i tried to make an appt for her last week, and the receptionist told me she’s fully booked until march. thats how much everyone really likes her! my cousin’s in med school, and i can tell already that she’s going to be one of those cool doctors that’s really understanding and patient with answering questions.

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