Ms. Pepe LePew

This message is to that pink haired Latina blasting the salsa music in the blue Camry on my way up to work this morning.

Look, I’m not sure if your friends have confronted you on this, but in the name of all that is holy, PLEASE calm down a bit on the cheap perfume. I swear, when you blew past me on the right hand side and got in front of me, I could smell you as if you were standing right in front of me and my damn windows were closed! I can’t even imagine what that asphyxiating odor emanating from your body is doing to the interior of you car! For 3 minutes my poor nose had to endure one of the most brutal onslaughts it has ever faced in it’s entire life and this coming from a guy that once passed out for four hours from smelling a chemical for 5 seconds in a research lab!

I’m sorry I had to be a dick by speeding up past you and cutting you off like that, but I’d rather stick my head in my cat’s litter box after he dropped a deuce and inhale deeply.

Let me tell ya, that’s not an easy feat! Tony’s old and he can put most slobbingly humans to shame in the poop smell department.

Yes, I didn’t let you go past me no matter how many times you high beamed me, tried to kiss my bumper or flipped me the bird. I swear by Einstein’s ghost there was no way in hell I’d let you get in front of me again. I’d sooner get behind a little old blind lady with a spastic colon on a one lane highway doing 25 in a 55 zone.

You have no idea how happy I was when you got off the highway and headed for that mall. I just feel sorry for the people within a 100 yard radius of you…