the measure of a man

have you ever heard a song that brought back memories of a past love? well, I found 2 tapes full of them… 🙂

since I am using my dad’s car while I am saving up for my new car, I find myself listening to the radio a lot more than i’d like to. see, his car does not have one of them new fangled cd players, so I usually sit and listen to the crap that is on the radio. granted I love listening to opie and anthony, sometimes I just need some good tunes to take me home.

I remembered I gave my dad my old tapes when I bought a cd player for my beloved Sheniqua. so I asked dear mom for those tapes and she directed me to a rather larger box than I had given my dad originally. I opened it up and found a bunch of his tapes (woah, he listens to marley and the dead… hehe, go dad!) mixed with my old ones. below those tapes were two tapes I completely forgot about, but had meant so much to me close to decade ago. one of them was a tape that my ex barbara gave me as an anniversary present back on our one year anniversary (it’s amazing I can remember this eh folks??). another was a tape my best friend at the time tasha gave me when I came down to visit her in orlando the last time I think.

I had to dig through even more boxes to find a cassette tape player and after hunting down some batteries I was in hog heaven. the first tape had so many love songs recorded on it, a lite radio dj would cringe, but I relished through each of them. the cutest part of it was that none of us had cd’s at the time, so a lot of the songs were taped right off the radio. so, after some of the songs on the tape, you hear the dj for mix 105fm in new york come on and then abruptly squeal off into the next tune, hehe… did that ever happen to any of ya? I got pretty good at that and almost always avoided that dreadful dj intro. 🙂

after I finished the first tape, I looked at the song list on the tape tasha gave me and I realize how much I really do miss her:

    side one

  • Sting – St. Agnes and the Burning Train
  • Garth Brooks – The Thunder Rolls
  • Billie Myers – You Send Me Flying
  • Phil Collins – A Groovy Kind of Love
  • Madonna – Rain
  • Third Eye Blind – I Want You
  • Poe – Junkie
  • Dave Matthews Band – Crash Into Me
  • SarahMcLachlan – Possession
    side two

  • The Police – The Bed’s Too Big Without You
  • Candlebox – Far Behind
  • Sade – I Couldn’t Love You More
  • Sting – Mad About You
  • The Yaz – Only You
  • Garth Brooks – You Move Me
  • Shania Twain – From This Moment
  • Rod Stewart – Have I Told You Lately
  • Merril Bainbridge – Power of One

for reasons that I seem to have either forgotten or purposely forced away somewhere in my mind, we stopped talking to each other. the last time I remember seeing her, it was early afternoon and we started to walk her dog as she was walking me to my car (i’ve driven down to orlando from jersey 4 times and flown once to visit her since she moved away). of course neither of us were too happy to leave the other one and from the song list above, you can probably tell why. we were both in love… she has these gorgeous crystal clear bluish-greyish eyes (with a small speck of green in them if ya looked in the right spot) where if you looked into them, you could lose yourself and never wish to leave. she’s got this laugh and smile that would brighten up the dreariest of places. she would always try and either get me into an argument or fight but fail miserably because I hate to fight (and also have the patience of a rock) and it would piss her off even more! she’s even got this really cute sneeze where she would prepare to let out a big huge achoo and get all red and flustered but instead a barely audible whimper of a “choo” comes out.

hmmm… back to the story. 🙂

…I looked into those teary blue eyes, wiped some tears from her cheek and we kissed each other goodbye. I popped in the tape she made me while I was driving up and came very close a few times to going back and leaving everything I had behind up north. obviously that never happened and we kept in touch with each other every chance we got just. however time moved on and we each had lives to live…

a few months go by and we have a chat where I find out about her new beau in her life. I forget his name at the moment (though I want to say it’s mike), but this time she seems genuinely happy which of course, makes me happy. see, up until that point, I was beginning to think there weren’t any good men down there with the amount of complaining she does about the dating scene in orlando. you’d cringe at some of the stories she tells me about some of the losers down there (it’s enough to make ya wanna puke). so anyway, time again goes on and every once in a while we get to chatting about the new occurrences going on in each others’ lives. before you know it, a few months go by, I move to a different area, a year goes by, I change jobs, I move again (the life of a guy stuck in a college town… hehe), two, three, four (and yet another new job) years go by and by this point she’s a fleeting memory only coming back when I hear a particular saying (“what am I gonna do with ya?” said in a thick joisey accent) or see old madonna videos. see, back in the day she was a dead ringer for the “like a virgin” version of madonna, so anytime I see old madonna videos, I can’t help but think of her. now I find this tape and can’t help but wonder how she is.

now I run into my current dilemma…

obviously, I have moved on with my life and let go of those intimate feelings I had for her a while ago. she’s most likely moved on up on the world and has her own life going for her now. perhaps she’s even married with kids as well! since I have moved so much since then, I’m sure any letters/cards she has written me have gotten lost in the shuffle or sent back to her. the times I did have the guts to write her, they got sent back to me because she had moved as well. I figured perhaps I can find out via old friends what her current address is and catch up. time again moves on and today, I find that tape she made me and I realize how much I miss/need her in my life as a best/close friend. other than my family, I have known no one else longer than her… wow, looking back i’ve known her since the sixth grade! at the very least (and if I did the math correctly), that’s 15 years! even up to this day, no one else knows nearly as much about “me” as nastasha (I call her tasha because I am too lazy) does. nowadays ada, karen and al are those closest to me, but even what they know or think they know about me doesn’t even compare to what tasha knows… I mean she’s known me for a really long ass time. it only makes sense she could figure me out best.

I don’t ever think I would ever let anyone get that close to me again.

i’m sure I can obtain her address from a friend of a friend, but once I have it what do I say?? after close to 4 years of not speaking to each other what the hell do I talk about? I think that also had a part in me not taking that initiative and finding her sooner… I mean it’s shamefully embarrassing that I haven’t gotten in touch with her up until this point, so I feel like such a tool trying to get back in touch with her. I mean it’s not like I’m going to pick up exactly where we left off, but she was (and still kind of is) an integral part of my life. it’s very rare to have such a close friend in your life and I want to find out at the very least how she is doing and what she has been up to the last few years. ugh… so is life eh?? well, if anyone out there has been through something similar to this i’d love to hear what you did. I mean I am going to send her a very long letter once I grab the addy, but how do you start off something like this?