Hungry man makes you gay??

Just got this from Steph. You know if I read any of those retarded chain mails people send me, maybe I would know what most of these are all about. Otherwise it’s pretty hilarious. 🙂

To all my friends and family, Thank you for making me safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy by sending me your damn chain letters over the last year.

Because of your concern:

* I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

* I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put “Under God” on their cans.

* I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

* I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

* I no longer go to movies because I could sit on a needle infected with AIDS

* I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could get pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

* I no longer want to pump my own gas – where I will either get AIDS or cause an explosion by cell phone or static.

* I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a wet dog on a hot day.

* I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

* I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaida in disguise.

* I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops.

* I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

* I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay.

* I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

* I no longer look at the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bath tub full of ice.

* I no longer have a cell phone because I don’t want brain cancer.

* I no longer have any sneakers because I would hate to see all those poor kids in the sweat shops overseas suffering because I wanted a pair of Nike shoes.

* I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

* I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

* I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl about to die in the hospital for the 1,000,000,000th time.

* I no longer have any money but that will change once I receive the $18,624 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me since I participated in their special e-mail program.

I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now if you DON’T send this e-mail to at least 12,000,000 of your closest friends in the next 60 seconds a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at exactly 5:00PM tomorrow!!!!!!!!!

HURRRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You’re cheatin’ heart

This photograph has got to be one of most funniest things I have ever seen. I’m not sure if this person was caught cheating or if that’s the wife’s/girlfriend’s body print, but wow. I hope this was done at night because I don’t know too many people that would do that on such a dirty hood if there was any light out. Then again they might have been pretty trashed, so who would care at that point right? This may or may not be work safe, so be careful…

Thanks to my friend Ashe for forwarding this one to me.

A true friend…

Just got this from a friend.

A True Friend…

For those tired of the usual “friend” poems, here is a touch of reality:

When you are sad … … I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum-sucking bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue … … I’ll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile … … I’ll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared … … I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried … … I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and tell you to quit whining.
When you are confused … … I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
When you are sick … … Stay the hell away from me until you’re well again, I don’t want whatever you have.
When you fall … … I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath … … I pledge till the end.

Why you may ask?

Because you’re my friend.

Send to ten of your closest friends and get depressed because you only have 2 friends, and one of them probably isn’t speaking to you right now anyway.

Can you feel the love folks?

Last but not least

Hmmm, this actually seems to be a real book. This is the last e-mail of the bunch before the old cleaning of the inbox. I think it’s the best one so far…

The Real World

Charles Sykes is the author of DUMBING DOWN OUR KIDS. In his book, he talks about how the liberal, feel-good, politically correct garbage has created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair; get used to it.

Rule 2: The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will not make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice president with a car phone until you “earn” both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you screw up, it’s not your parents’ fault so don’t whine about your mistakes. Learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. So before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents’ generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades, they’ll give you as many chances as you want to got the right answer. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is not real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.